A Very Late Match Report - and other short stories.

The Date: Saturday 8th of March, the Year of Our Lord, 2025.
The Weather: A fine spring morning.
The Occasion: A clash of titans (sort of).
The Venue: Cow Roast, the sacred home of Berkhamsted and Hemel Hempstead Men's 4ths.
The Opposition: Aylesbury Development Side.

A finer band of fifteen gentlemen from the Hertfordshire borough I wager you have never seen.

Why, there was Hunt, from foreign fields, a mercenary of sorts, and an old dab hand at the noble art of goalie-manship. Hunt wasn’t even supposed to play but, as fate would have it, our allotted keeper mysteriously disappeared earlier in the day. And so, Hunt, by sheer happenstance, found himself donning the pads.

Then there was Laurence "Larry" Kiddle, a man who refused to be substituted, much to the frustration of those tasked with ensuring equal game time for our younglings.

And myself? Well, I find myself writing this report due to an almost green card incident—an accolade which won me the DoD (Dick of the Day) award. I say "almost" because the opposition defender actually talked the umpire out of it. A rare act of sportsmanship or an admission that I wasn't actually that bad? We shall never know.

The Match Itself
We won 5-0, a scoreline that certainly did wonders for our confidence after some rather shaky performances in the preceding weeks.

At the start of the game, Larry and Matthew were both playing in exactly the same space, a form of tactical telepathy, or perhaps a simple misunderstanding.

Our opening goal came relatively early, possibly while Aylesbury were still playing with ten men. They finally got their full complement of eleven about fifteen minutes in, but by then, the damage had begun. The first goal was Larry’s, a composed finish that settled our nerves and set the tone.

Meanwhile, Tigs kept things interesting with a series of bouncy passes, which seemed to be a signature move of the day. That, and his infamously long pre-match team talk.

The second goal? A masterpiece of slow-motion hockey, courtesy of Matthew Bray-Evans. Picture the scene: a gentle push-pass from the edge of the D, an almost apologetic roll towards the goal, defenders watching in idle curiosity rather than intervening, the goalkeeper bemused by the lack of urgency. The ball, undisturbed by stick or foot, simply meandered over the line. A goal is a goal, no matter how anti-climactic.

James Arnold managed to stay upright for the entire game, using his stability to make some strong runs up the middle.

Larry struck again for the third. Charging towards the D, looking for a pass, he heard my voice screaming at him to hit it my way. Dutifully, he obliged. What did I do? I expertly dodged the ball, allowing it to fly past both myself and the goalkeeper into the net. Some might call this an assist by absence.

The fourth goal, nearing the end of the first half, was the pièce de résistance. James Lewis collected the ball just inside our own half, galloped up the wing, found himself utterly without teammates in support, and so, logically, he decided to just do it all himself. He drove towards the baseline, cut in sharply, and lashed a shot in at the near post. A thing of beauty.

Half-time
Following a quick gulp of water the team gathered for the critical tactical discussion, which went vaguely as follows .....

Matt, captaining for the first time, gave a rousing assessment:
“Boys, we need to get a bit wider in the mid, we’re on top of each other.”
Tigs "I’d disagree, keep tighter."
Nigel (Team Manager), now in his retirement phase, surprised everyone ...
“You actually played some nice hockey.”
And so with the new clear instructions in place ....

The Second Half
At 4-0 up at half-time, the job was mostly done.

Chris Baker was solid in defence, as was Andrew Lunn, who literally put his body on the line multiple times. Tom Arnold showcased some fantastic running up the middle and also worked hard to track back in defence.

Owen Bownes, the youngest member of the troupe, had a great game, even managing a couple of shots on goal—only sheer bad luck kept him off the scoresheet.

In defence, Jamie Poulton played another strong game, with several runs up to the opposition’s 25-yard line. Some might say he was showing ambition. Others might say he got completely lost.

Manish, meanwhile, provided some much-needed versatility, subbing across the centre—which, conveniently, saved me from being labelled as a non-scoring forward.

And so we come to the last goal, which, conveniently, was scored by yours truly. Manish Mohan did the hard work, driving the ball up the centre before laying it off to my right. Now, this was my weak side (as is the other side), so I had to adapt—turning my stick to avoid a reverse-stick penalty and gently scooping the ball around their keeper. 5-0.

And that was that. A convincing win, a morning well spent, and an inevitable pint or two to celebrate.

Oh yeah, except one bit where almost got green carded and had to do the washing up for the curry that Kerry Arnold had kindly made for us. I swear Rob Hueting just made that punishment for DoD up.

The End
Paul Evans