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Berkhohoho Over 45’s took to the pitch against a youthful Whitney
Payton’s Power vs Pandemonium at the Back
On an overcast Sunday more suited to dog-walking and duvet-days,
Berkhohoho Over 45’s took to the pitch against a youthful Whitney for what can only be described as a masterclass in misadventure.
From the first whistle, the script was clear:
• Roger Payton would score goals.
• Everyone else would pretend defending was optional.
And oh boy, did the lads deliver.
Payton’s Power vs Pandemonium at the Back
Roger “Rocket Launcher” Payton dutifully bagged two goals.
One from open play
One a short corner
And an assist, an admirable haul for a 64 year old man expected to perform
like a £300,000-a-week Premier League striker, despite paying his subs by cheque, getting pitch directions by FAX and forgetting his gumshield and socks or boots every third week.
But of course…
Sometimes it’s just not enough.
Because the defence—bless their cotton socks—chose to treat the D like a McDonalds drive-thru,
letting in five goals, three of which looked suspiciously like they were guided in by invisible beings who enjoy slapstick.
Meanwhile, the midfield only contributed two DOD votes, which was surprising, considering their collective involvement was roughly equivalent to that of a stiff breeze
Goals Worth Watching Again (and Again)
Paytons tap in – a Whitney defensive blooper, sweeper leaving the pass for the keeper BUT, gifting Payton his second one on one, that this time he despatched calmly.
Swampy’s screamer, a Payton belter walloped from some obscure part of the pitch physics forgot, heading for the bottom corner, and destined to be etched into club goal folklore…
…until Swampy decided to get an uninvited touch, deflecting it into the roof and stealing 100% of the glory.
Classic BERKO defender tactics!
Worth forgetting - Jasons first time miss from an exquisite pass, Payton’s 1 on 1 miss from the annual Michie (NO T) pass, that actually arrived at its destination, and a first time Payton slap that only connected with carpet and a shower of sand! Gotta miss 'em to score 'em!
Dick of the Day: Miscarriage of Justice!
Despite scoring two, assisting one, and being the only forward to realise the ball can actually go forward, Roger was awarded Dick of the Day for——
“not scoring enough.”
Meanwhile, the noble men of the…
• defence (aka The Four Traffic Cones), and
• midfield (aka The Mysterious Eight Minutes of Activity Per Game)
…were spared criticism entirely, as per hockey tradition.
Because as everyone knows:
In amateur hockey, forwards are held to the same standard as professional footballers
while the eight players behind them are treated like under-6’s at a play school kickabout—
every mistake politely swept away like an unwelcome fart drifting through the clubhouse.
A rhyme to seal the deal?
Payton powered, passed, pummelled and pouted—
Yet punished, perplexingly, for being “underpowered.”
Defenders dithered, dawdled, disastrously delayed,
But Dick of the Day? Roger. Because… well, “that’s how hockey’s played.”
Final Score:
Whitney Under 45’s 5 – BHHHC 3
Pride 0 – Banter 10
A shambles, a showcase, a Sunday well spent.
Roll on next week—where Roger will need to score a minimum of seven to avoid another DOD vote.
MoM Jamie Holderness. Movember moustache making blowing the whistle tickle!
It's usual in a match reports to mention the young ones and the team, but this is an unusual match report!
Whatever your age its well worth sponsoring our own Movemberer - Ed Goodwyn
